Happy Happy, Joy Joy

I'm bored. Surprise! I'm also depressed. The doctor told me, it's official! Now I can legitimately wallow in my sorryarse self-pity, forget about trying to be happy and get on with being miserable. But this isn't really news, I've been severely depressed for what seems like forever, but is probably not quite that long. Despite this, I have only relatively recently gone to the doctor about it and sought treatment. Maybe six months ago, after walking away from the first stable job I'd had in years and sinking to a record low. I didn't really expect to come out of that period and I'm still sometimes surprised that I did, although it's only ever momentary because reality is always nipping at my heels, and the reality is I am still suicidal. Ha. It sounds ridiculous when I write it down. It was with some trepidation that I first went to the doctor about depression, I half expected to be laughed at or derided for being a sook, or something along those lines. Snap out of it you soft cunt. There are people out there with real problems. But he was actually quite sympathetic to my situation. Which ultimately made things worse, because then I felt like I was hoodwinking him somehow, that I wasn't really that bad, maybe I don't need to be here... Anyway, he prescribed for me some anti-depressants and I was on my way to happiness. Or not. See, they seemed to work for a while. It took a few weeks for them to kick in, but once they did I had somewhat of a new lease on life, although that wouldn't have taken much considering where I was coming from. But it's not real, you know? You sort of float along through this haze of somekindofhappiness, but it's fake man. It tricks you into believing that you're not unhappy and it's a damn lie. Which brings me to my current situation, having come off the ads about a month ago and just being given a new script to go back on them. Do I want that kind of lie? I lived something similar for many years with an amphetamine addiction. I'd sink lower and lower until I had to do something and the answer was getting on. All of a sudden life was full of possibilities, and I was full of potential and the world was there for the taking. But the problem is, I was full of shit. I didn't like the person I was when I was on that shit. Although I'd only ever realise this after the fact, which would start another downward spiral, which in turn fed the urge to get on again and so on... And are the anti-depressants really that much different? Sure, they're legal and cheap. And probably are more likely to help my life than harm it, but I still question whether I want my brain to be chemically altered to alleviate the depression. Which obviously begs the question, what would make me happy? That's something I'm still pondering, trying to find the right balance of what I can realistically hope for and what is certainly unattainable. Guess I'll ponder it some more and fill in the blanks if I can come up with a satisfactory answer.

Welcome to my boredom.

I have long been trying to motivate myself to start writing a blog, in that it would be nice to have somewhere to vent my spleen in a way that is not going to annoy or offend my friends and family, something that I am frequently concerned about, although usually after the actual spleen venting has taken place. (It's fine to have an opinion, but not, apparently, to be opinionated.) Unfortunately, inspiration and motivation seldom meet in my world and being rare acquaintances the chances of them crossing paths at a time when I feel I have something to say becomes increasingly unlikely. So, I have decided to bite the bullet and get this thing moving, despite the fact that I haven't any particular rant to launch into at this point. I am hoping that it will become easier once I have the ball rolling, however slowly. Will this be the first in a long line of rambling posts that no one is likely to read? Or will the desire to finally document my thoughts and ideas (I've never kept a diary) fizzle out and leave this solitary post decaying in the depths of cyberspace as a testament to my inability to complete anything I intend to do? Time will tell, I suppose, although if history is any judge it would suggest the latter. In the unlikely event that anyone should actually read this, and the even unlikelier (is that a word?) event that I find my voice and manage regular updates, I hope I can provoke a reaction of some kind, whether it be disgust, pity, anger or even some kind of enjoyment. Anyway, please feel free to leave comment and/or criticism.
Until next time..?

Post #2, take 1

OK, so I'm impatient. It's not a crime. Hang on... I've given in to temptation and downloaded the new tool album. It isn't due out for another 2 weeks or so but, inevitably, it has been leaked on the interweb. I feel a little guilty, as a musician it doesn't feel entirely ethical, but I'm justifying it by saying I'll still buy it when it comes out. And I'm sure I will... Anyway, as I was sitting here vague and wondering what I might be able to write about I thought why not write a review? I've always wanted to try it and it seems like blog subject matter is hard to come by. Get two birds stoned kinda thing. So here it is.

First off let me say I'm a tragic Tool fan. Some of my more discerning musician friends aren't into it and while I can see the legitimacy of their complaints, and to a small extent even agree with them, ultimately it doesn't come into it for me. I have a huge respect for the way they have been able to maintain a conceptually consistent theme throughout their sound and accompanying imagery and across all of their albums. This one is no different. Titled 10,000 Days (and it feels like about that long since the last album) and featuring a multi-faceted face design, complete with the eye patterning that threaded lateralus on the cover art, it's classic Tool before you even hear it.
The first song, Vicarious, which is also the first single, is virtually an instrumental and is initially reminiscent of triad from lateralus and relatively short. Next up is Jambi and at seven and a half minutes is more reflective of the length you can expect from the rest of the songs, which will be no surprise to anyone familiar with Tool. Adam Jones breaks out some catchy guitar voicebox work towards the end, which is an interesting quirk for one of their songs. Then things get epic. Wings for Marie is part one of two and is a dark, smouldering sonic experience which continues on into the title track, 10,000 Days. It feels like it has to be listened to as one seventeen and a half minute song, and it is very poignant and emotional. The Pot is one of my favourite tracks on the album with Maynard bursting in with a vocal style unlike with anything else he's done with Tool. He soon settles into a more familiar tone, but this is a fresh, upbeat, catchy song and I think it will likely be the next single. The next two, Lipan Conjuring and Lost Keys (Blame Hoffman), are the customary interludes, the former being a short tribal singalong jam session, the latter a creepy walk inside some kind of mental breakdown with dialogue from a doctor and nurse trying to make sense of the situation. Rosetta Stoned, at over eleven minutes and still only the second longest song, has several throwbacks to some earlier tool sounds, all very familiar but all welcome. Intension eases along slowly, building with deep drone and pulsing with a beautiful tension, it's classic tool but refined to perfection. Then comes what is for me the stand out track, Right in Two. It flows in seamlessly from the previous song but with a tempo change that grabs you immediately. A slow powerful guitar texture envelopes you complimented by Maynards commanding voice, ranting about monkeys and as superb as ever. This was the Tool song I'd been waiting five years to hear. And it's damn satisfying. Bringing up the rear is Viginte Tres a somewhat typical toolesque psychedelic soundscape which has traces of Ænema but is a fitting way to come down from the experience of the album.
This is the best album I've heard in a long while, nothing has grabbed me like this since 100th Window by Massive Attack, and with a new album from them on the horizon (reportedly featuring none other than Mike Patton on three songs) it should be an exciting year for music. For me at least.

There. That wasn't so bad was it? It was easier than I thought it would be, but for that reason it may suck. At the very least, this album is something positive for me right now, positives having been increasingly harder to find. A bitch for another post, perhaps...